Yes I am counting the Appendices to the Lord of the Rings as a whole book. First of all, it's well over a hundred pages. Secondly, someone had to see what was in there so they could explain to you why the Hobbit is being stretched into 3 films. And finally, because holy crap is this some dull reading.
We'll get to the good stuff in a minute, but we need to spend a little time covering what constitutes about two thirds of the Appendices first. Here are the three topics that take up the majority of this book:
1. genealogy - You remember that whole section of the bible where they just list names? Imagine that with sillier names.
2. pronunciation guide and a history of languages - This is your go-to spot for an in depth look at how to pronounce the different languages in Middle Earth and why. It's also good for curing insomnia. This is your next step once you've mastered Klingon.
3. Calendars - How much time do you think someone could devote to explaining how months and weeks work? one, maybe two paragraphs? Try about 20+ pages of the most banal minutiae you can think of. I don't understand how this even got published for public viewing. Does the 8th Amendment mean nothing?!
While the above list contains nothing I would recommend anyone to read ever, it does shed light on just how specific Tolkien was in creating Middle Earth. From that perspective, it's almost admirable. Crazy, but admirable. Like a street preacher in Minneapolis in February, you gotta award points for commitment.
So what else is in the appendices? Quite a bit actually. We get a very nice overview of the history of the race of men, including a brief recounting of the fall of the ancient island of Numenor. For those of you who don't know, Numenor was more or less a Middle Earth version of the Atlantis myth. Everyone who lived there was super smart and awesome and lived for hundreds of years. But their long lives and massive power only made them long to have the power and immortality of the elves. So with a little coaxing from Sauron, they made the Valar (angels or demigod-like beings)very mad and Numenor was destroyed. Those who Survived sailed to Middle Earth and Founded the nations of Gondor in the South, and Arnor in the North (which included the Shire). They ruled over the more common men who lived their and things were good for a bit. Then Sauron returned and he was super mad because he got all messed up when Numenor was destroyed and he couldn't look pretty anymore. Then there was that whole thing about the rings that you saw in the prologue to the Fellowship of the Ring and Sauron goes bye bye for a few thousand years.
In the meantime, there's like, millions of battles with the bad guys from the East and South. Then the Witch King (that bad dude who got stabbed in the face by that girl in the 3rd movie) sets up his fortress in Angmar (In the north west, above the shire) and just kills everybody for a long time until the northern Kingdom is destroyed. He's finally chased away or something, and that's how Aragorn's people where reduced from kings to rangers. Other highlights cover the founding of Rohan, the decline of Gondor, the corruption of Sauroman, and the full story of Arwen and Aragorn. There is a lot of fascinating stuff
to browse through here.
As for the Hobbit stuff. We get a nice history of the dwarves. We learn that it was the awakening of the Balrog in Moria that caused the dwarves to move to the Lonely Mountain in the first place. Some of the dwarves moved to the mountains in the far north, which brought the attention of the dragons, which isn't a good thing, so they moved back to the Lonely Mountain and things were great for awhile. Then that Smaug thing happened. The basic history of what happened next is covered in the first Hobbit film. More importantly, we learn why Gandalf even got involved in the first place. Gandalf knew an evil was stirring, and he also knew that there was no power in the North to withstand an assault if Sauron should return. The Dwarves living in the Iron Hills were cut off from any allies by the desolation of Smaug and the dragon himself. Gandalf was aiding Thorin in hopes that the dragon might be destroyed and the north might be restored, thereby strengthening the defense of Middle Earth while simultaneously removing a formidable foe and potential ally of Sauron. The plan went better than anticipated as the battle of five armies destroyed a huge legion of orcs as well. The North was then able to successfully defeat the armies Sauron threw at them during the War of the Ring.
We also get a simple statement that Gandalf led a successful assault on Sauron's fortress of Dol Guldur in Southern Mirkwood forest. In the original Hobbit book, Gandalf just leaves without much warning. When we finally see him again at the end of the book he's all, "Yeah, sorry about leaving, had to gather a bunch of my super friends together to drive the Necromancer out of Mirkwood." Which always made me angry. Fighting a Necromancer sounds awesome and badass and way cooler than dwarves under siege because their king has gone cukoo for Cocoa Puffs (in this analogy, Cocoa Puffs=more gold than you can shake a stick at). This is a major, major event in the history of Middle Earth, and we've never been presented with an adequate telling of the battle of Dol Guldur. Until now. And, because it's the sort of event that demands setting up and fleshing out, that's why you need 3 Hobbit movies. So quit your whinning, pee before the movie starts, and enjoy some more dwarf songs!
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