Some thoughts on Wrestlemania 30

So tonight, my wife, my dog and I sat down and I watched my first ever Wrestlemania live. I'd been going back and watching past matches here and there, but this is my first time watching the "Showcase of the Immortals". So what did I, a renewed fan since last November think? Let's go over it:

Pre-Show: Yeah yeah yeah, I know preshow matches don't really count, but the 4-way elimination tag team event was a pretty decent match and it was the beginning of a night where WWE looked to the future. We finally got to see Cesaro, probably the most physically impressive performer I've ever seen, break away from his tag team partner and make a move towards greatness. They call him the Swiss Superman for a reason, and he was just getting started....

Opening Segment: Hulk Hogan comes out... and can't remember the name of the stadium. There are few things more entertaining than watching 75,000 people tell arguably the most famous wrestle of all time that he's in the Superdome, not the Silverdome. Then my wife left the room to get a beverage... and Stone Cold Steve Austin came out!! He's pretty cool. Then the timer for the oven went off and my wife left again....and The Rock came out!!! He's pretty cool too. We got to see three of the biggest sports entertainers of all time share a couple of beers on stage and honestly, with the combined charisma those three guys have with an audience, I probably could have watched that for 4 hours.

Opening Match: Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan - Honestly, my wife and I spent most of this match trying to figure out why Triple H has such freakishly big nipples for a dude. I don't care how cold it is, man nipple should never create shadows that can be measured in inches... I'm just saying it's weird, and I don't like it. I thought the match was pretty great though. Daniel Bryan won (duh) but Triple H got a lot of nice heel moments to make the outlook bleak for Daniel to be able to physically compete in the Triple Threat main event match. (long story how that works, but this is basically a soap opera so just go with it)

6 man tag: The Shield vs. The New Age Outlaws and Kane - Squash match. boo. I saw The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family live in February. It was electric and one of the greatest things I've ever seen. This was three supremely gifted dudes beating the crap out of 3 guys in their late 40s for 5 minutes.

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt - This was an interesting match. I love the Wyatt Family's creepy backwoods cult gimmick and I kind of appreciated the storytelling in this match. Older fans are desperate for John Cena to stop being such a goody two shoes dork with a limited move set, while he's also a role model for kids and the guy has granted over 400 wishes for the Make-a-Wish foundation. Basically, this was a pro-wrestling adaptation of the Luke/Vader showdown in Return of the Jedi (or Jesus being tempted in the wilderness if you want to blow it all out of proportion) I liked that they played with John Cena being tempted by the dark side, and honestly, he's WAY more interesting when he goes dark. It's too bad he's such a hero to the kids and ambassador for the product that he can never actually go evil but I liked the effort, and Bray Wyatt is awesome.

Andre the Giant Memorial 30 Man Battle Royal: So 30 guys all get in the ring and play a round of "THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" It's silly and stupid until you get at least 20 of these guys out of the ring so there is some room to work. Kofi Kingston as usual proves that he is the master of doing something totally mind-blowing, and then losing 30 seconds later. In this case He gets thrown over a ring post to the outside of the ring, falling roughly 9ft and somehow landing his feet on the bottom step, avoiding elimination. Look up the clip. The guy is amazing, and a fan favorite among people who live in my house. To end this match, the previously mentioned Cesaro lifts up the 7 ft tall, 500lb Big Show and throws him over the top rope. One, This is way more impressive a feat that Hulk Hogan body slamming Andre the Giant, and two, it sets up Cesaro to be a main event level talent in the very near future....and he won a big, stupid trophy.

The Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar - First of all, I want to apologize to all the life long WWE fans out there. I did not grow up with the steak, I watched the matches on Netflix and fast-forwarded through a lot of them until Shawn Michaels fought him in back to back years. Their first match was perfect. The next was pretty good. Then I sat through two years of the Undertaker barely able to fight Triple H. Last years CM Punk Match was pretty good, but by that point it had been almost 5 years since the Undertaker had shown me the kind of athleticism that earned him the nickname of the Phenom in the first place. I wasn't seeing an epic match for the ages, I was seeing a guy in his late 40s do his damndest to electrify a crowd, and coming back with less and less to give every year. He was spending so much time lying on the ground in the last few matches that The Streak was becoming a parody of itself. To me, The guy who didn't grow up invested in the streak, I thought Brock was a great choice to end it. He's a legitimate beast of a human being, the guy has reached the top in every sport he's ever tried that involves hurting another human being with your bare hands. If I was going to give up an undefeated streak at the age of 49 and barely able to perform anywhere near my peak ability, I'd choose to go down swinging to a former MMA world heavy weight champion, NCAA national champion, and all around BAMF like Brock Lesnar. It brings both a sense of closure and legitimacy to the accomplishment. That said, my jaw dropped when it actually happened. Then I saw the faces of the crowd. It was amazing television. And that's what pro-wrestling is: it's a primal kind of storytelling. The Wrestlers are out there to illicit emotion, and in the PG era, the stories have become safe. The end of the streak was the "Red Wedding" of wrestling events. Something unthinkable happened and the looks on the faces of the fans and the silence of 75,000 people was incredible. And Brock Lesnar gets to be one of the most hated men in the industry. I was surprised at my sadness, but I'm also excited to see what happens next. I kind of loved it. When's the last time a scripted sport made you feel that emotion.

Vicki Guerro Diva Invitational: Talk about trying to polish a turd. 14 woman battling for one pinfall is a stupid and demeaning concept in an era where there are at least 8 extremely talented women who deserve a better showcase of their talent than a stupid gimmick match after the crowd has been sucker-punched in the gut. Anything you put in this slot was doomed for failure. And yet...I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of nice moments we got in this match. It was almost as if the entire female roster was giving the finger the bookers who tried to bury them. We got triple suplexes and super kicks and bodies flying everywhere. For a useless match in a thankless spot on the card, I thought the ladies proved that you can polish a turd.

Main Event: Daniel Bryan vs. Batista vs. Randy Orton for the WWE World Heavyweight Title - I thought this was a pretty great match, the pacing and storytelling was compelling, and most of all, Batista finally appeared to be in ring shape and able to perform at a level expected for a Wrestle-mania main event performer. He was better than The Miz anyway... This match also got me interested in Randy Orton for the first time ever. I finally saw something in him that explained why he's at the top of the talent heap. I loved the kick-outs at 2 and 7/8ths. The crowd has been getting screwed out of what they want to see for so long, that it was believable that they'd get kicked one more time. This is how good wrestling should work (in my very, very humble opinion. But Stone Cold Steve Austin and Jim Ross have said similar things so I don't think I'm too far off) The audience needs to be invested in the story, they need to be afraid that their hero might fail, that evil will triumph, and I think the performers did a great job of that tonight. I bought into the reality that they sold me when Daniel Bryan was getting strapped to the gurney and rolled away from the ring. Batista has a look in his eyes that was like, "oh crap! I think I just broke that dudes neck for real! Don't break character! Just beat up the other guy over here for awhile and hope we find a way to end the show, then I can run away and get ready to promote my superhero movie." I fully suspended my disbelief and I got to be carried on a journey, and everyone got the ending they've been begging for. Daniel Bryan, the little goat-looking man who could, raising the championship belts in a downpour of confetti as 75,000 fans chanted, YES! YES! YES!